Me being Me

It is funny how our hopes and dreams get pushed to the wayside as life gets in the way. Sometimes we just have to make lemonade out of the lemons we have been given. I'm not so sure that is true. I believe life is controlled by us and the decision we make. It make take more than a few years but in the end all of our action come back to us. Karma. I believe in it.

I have let my life get in the way of my dreams because I have been lazy. It's true and I will admit it to you freely. I let myself gain weight even though it made me unhappy. I choose to seat on the couch as my ass grew. I could have been at the gym (when I started gaining weight I had a free membership to the gym maybe 700 ft from my front door.) I tried to blame the weight gain on being a fry cook at a restaurant when I jumped to 185 lbs. Still, who forced me to eat the food? What about my excuse for the weight gain being culinary school when I jumped to 195. See, that doesn't work either because I was learning to cook better, more nutritious food than I ever had before. Then my excuse was my desk job. I didn't have time to get up and walk around, so I jumped again to 210. No, I had time after work and on my breaks but I decided to do something else. But the end all be all was pregnancy. I weighed 265 lbs when I gave birth to my 7 lb 6 oz daughter. Hmm... To me that math isn't quite right. But quite a bit of the weight fell off shortly after I got out of the hospital and now 4 months later I sitting around 240. Sigh...

I'm not going to lie pregnancy is hard and hard on your body when it is in good shape and I wasn't. I suffered from the moment I got pregnant. Morning sickness and dehydration at first. Then it grew to gestational hypertension and then bedrest for 5 weeks before I could give birth. Let me tell you, after my nine months of pregnancy, birth was a breeze and heavenly relief...

Please, don't get me wrong. I love my daughter more than life itself and I would do it all again in a heart beat for her. What I don't like it looking in the mirror and hating the reflection staring back at me.  I hate that I don't like going anywhere with my husband because I think people look at him and them look at me and wonder why he would consider looking twice at me. Or when he looks at me and all I can think is I must be hideous in his eyes because I hate how I look. Truthfully, It is wrecking my marriage and I hate that.

Today I start. I start to reclaim my life. I want more pictures with my family. I want to run my first 5k. I want to lose the weight and be healthy once more. I made my own lemons and now I'm going to add the stevia(hehe) to make it sweet lemonade.